Happy Cancer-versary !
The day was Dec 8. Actually, it’s the same day that I’d been super proud of myself for climbing on that spin bike. After a 15 minute spin session (and an even longer recovery), I ventured to my bedroom to take a shower. With the water dripping on my back, I could only think about how exhausted the ride had left me. But I was also elated that I’d done it. I’d taken my first ride. As I carefully washed over my incisions and moved to my breasts, the joy that I felt turned to a split second of fear. Wtf is that?!
In my head, the thoughts came so fast that I couldn’t even process them. No, this couldn’t be. How unfair would that be to finish a whole year of treatment and find another lump in the opposite breast right after I’d been declared fit to return to the world? Oh my gosh .. my support system. They’ve already done so much. I couldn’t ask them to ... What would I do about work?
I could feel myself spiraling into the question hole within a matter of minutes. And so I spoke to those thoughts in my head out loud ... STOP!
I wasn’t doing this. I was not going to create drama for something that I didn’t even know existed. Continuing on the way I’d been going would create my own personal hell. I needed to bring some clarity to the situation. So what did I know.
The nodule that I felt was in the opposite breast.
Breast tissue had been removed from both breasts during my bilateral mastectomy.
I hadn’t felt the nodule a week before when I’d had my six week follow up post DIEP flap surgery.
I would have a CT Scan and a follow up appt with my Oncologist the following week.
And I had my Breast surgeon on speed dial.
At 9pm, I texted my breast surgeon the following message.
Me: so I’m very calm but I need some help from my medical expert. Got time to chat
Her: sure, call me whenever
She answered the phone immediately. Hearing her voice made it all the more real but I told myself that I would not cry. I remained calm. After our chat she asked if I wanted to come in the next day. Hell yeah! She had surgery scheduled but she would fit me in.
And just then, I felt a special sense of peace. I hung up the phone with a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Energy had been transferred. I wasn’t holding the weight alone. At times, when we are in troubling situations that we can not maneuver, we don’t think smartly about how we can offload ourselves. Unfairly, we often shift the weight to family members and friends who also are unable to carry it. It creates fear and stress for others as well as ourselves. Talking to LT gave me context and an actionable path forward. She was the right call to make at 9pm after I’d found the nodule.
(Notice I call it a nodule instead of a lump. There is power in words. I would not speak a lump into existence.)
On Wednesday, I arrived at the office at 1:15.pm. She hadn’t yet returned from surgery. So I waited patiently, feverishly searching the internet for the remaining gifts on my Christmas list. And then she walked in.
She poked around and located the nodule that I’d discovered the night before. It was located on my “good” breast. After an ultrasound and an extraction of the tissue using a mile-long needle, the nodule was diagnosed as fat necrosis .. a very common occurrence after DIEP Flap surgeries. Breast tissue that does not survive often transforms into a tiny nodule. And my nodule appeared exactly along the edge of my flap, also a common place.
Imagine undergoing treatment for breast cancer in one breast, only to have a benign nodule decide to make itself at home in your other breast. There is a special kind of peace that is required to remain sane after a cancer diagnosis. Trust.
A week later, I appeared for my CT scan. I didn’t really have any expectations, as this was a baseline for my near term surveillance plan. But as I laid there, I couldn’t help but reflect on the past, almost one year before I appeared for a CT scan. So much had occurred since then. 5 months of chemo and 3 surgeries later, I was rolled back and forth into a more advanced piece of machinery, focused on both efficacy and speed.
The CT scan is quick. They send the images to my radiologist and my Oncologist would relay the information at my follow up appointment the next day.
So now I wait. With the faith of a mustard seed. I wait for God to .. well err God. I remind myself that there’s nothing that I can do to influence the results. And since I have no control, I must rely on faith until I meet with Dr. Shahin the following day.
The next day, Dr. Shahin reviews my results. No evidence of cancer. My official clinical state is remission. And just like that, I’ve transitioned from treatment to surveillance. I’ll return for another scan in six months and In the meantime, I’ll keep an eye on my new visitor. With any luck, either my body will absorb the fat nodule or it will soften over time .. so that I’m not reminded of it each time I touch my breast. But that’s for another day. Today, I rejoice in the blessing of remission.
Life after breast cancer means there’s never a dull moment. However, I refuse to make everything a crisis.
Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. It will give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere..
Be kind to yourself.
❤️ T
