A thorn in my side — pretty(sic)

Jan 28

Jan 28 A thorn in my side

Have you ever been in so much pain that you weren’t even able to quantify it? A pain so strong that you can’t even describe it. Well, that was my situation this past weekend. Funny thing is, I expected to be “out of it” based on the first treatment. I think I remembered the fatigue much more than the pain though. During the first treatment, it was all new to me .. so the fatigue and the pain probably blended together. This time, the pain clearly distinguished itself between the two. It started exactly on schedule .. about 12 hours after the Nuelasta shot. If you don’t remember, the purpose of the Nuelasta meds is to boost my immune system which is compromised by chemotherapy. The Nuelasta meds activate the bone marrow to produce white blood cells, with the main side effect being musculoskeletal pain. At the end of the chemo session, the nurse attaches the Nuelasta thingy to my stomach, and the medicine is released in 24 hours. Well, that’s how it is supposed to happen. Instead, about an hour after I got home from chemo, I realized that something was poking me on my belly. I looked down and saw that the Nuelasta unit was slightly detached with the catheter grazing my skin. Well, that’s not helpful! The catheter should be inside me to actually receive the medicine when it’s released. Long story short, 24 hours later, I was back in the hospital getting a Nuelasta shot. This should have been the foreshadowing of a long weekend.

So where was I again? Oh yeah, PAIN.. and a lot of it! Let’s start with Saturday. I wake up, make my bed immediately (Yes, I am THAT girl 😬), and run my bath. After my bath, I am blessed with a massage from the hands of my 93 year old grandmother. Oh, the strength of those hands .. the stories that those hands told as they connected with my skin. RIINNGGGG….. My massage is interrupted by a call from Dr. Shahin. I’d called the on-call doctor for meds. I needed something fast! Once Dr. Shahin received the message, he decided to call me himself. He told me that pain was good. Pain meant that the Nuelasta was working. Pain meant that my immune system was getting the boost that it needed. “Take some ibuprofen .. but only twice a day.. and be sure to take your temperature first,” he said. “The pain shouldn’t last more than a few days.. Call me if it becomes unbearable.” Unbearable?!?!? Umm.. it’s unbearable NOW! Somebody get me Advil asap!

My plan for the day was to change scenery because there is something slightly depressing about lying in the bed all day. In the front of my home, there is a open area where the sun hits from three directions. If I lie there, I’d get Vitamin D kisses for a few hours. It’s the closest thing to being outside, so I’ll take it. So, I lie on the couch in my sitting room, and doze in and out until I realize that the sun has gone down for the day. I awake with an appetite (Thank God for the small things). After I eat, I head to the family room to join my grandmother, aunt, and cousin for a while. An hour later, I can’t take sitting up any longer, and I venture back to my bedroom. As I am lying there, I realize that Advil is crap. The pain hasn’t really subsided, it’s just bearable now. (Ok, I see what he did there.. He knew that the pain wouldn’t go away with the ibuprofen, but he also knew that I wouldn’t be calling him back. Good one, Dr. Shahin) I toss in and out of consciousness, and at some point I realize that I am lying there with tears rolling down my face. This pain.. I just wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I soak in the bath again, take my final dose of Advil for the day, and nothing helps. I’m praying and praying, and it just won’t go away. And finally I fall asleep.

The next morning I awake to the same pain, but it’s sorta different. Saturday was like “surprise” pain and Sunday was “Oh yeah, you again” pain. I also knew that I had an entire day ahead of me, so that didn’t really help. A few weeks ago, Dr. Shahin told me that I couldn’t sleep away 5 months of chemo. Well, dammit, I was going to try to sleep away today. Without the required energy to walk to the sitting room, I decided to stay in my bed all day. But, AFTER I made the bed.. remember, I am THAT girl 😝. I find my blanket that my friend Monique sent me and realize for the very first time that there were words on the blanket … words that I prayed would help me through the day.

Unfortunately, it isn’t a magical blanket after all. It doesn't take away the pain. So, l pray for the pain to go away. And I pray again and again and again. And nothing happens. And just then, It became so very clear to me. In that moment (12:17pm - I remember because I looked at the clock to document the time!), I was reminded of Paul and his thorn. In 2 Corinthian 12:7, Paul spoke of a thorn in his flesh that was placed there to keep him from being boastful. It was sent from God to humble him. Like Paul, my pain irritated me. it caused be suffering. And like Paul, I asked God to remove this pain from me. (Well Paul got the point after 3 times, I think I had to have asked Him 100 times. He was probably so annoyed 😬) But just as He did not remove Paul’s pain, my pain was also not removed. However, the answer that He gave me was the same. “My grace is sufficient for you.” He didn’t relieve me of the pain, but once I made the RIGHT request, I was provided what I needed to endure. And this request was for Him to stay by my side as I went through the pain.

There is purpose in our pain. In the reality of our weaknesses, we seek Him. When we feel that we are strong, we have the tendency to shy away from Him. While I am willing to shout from the rooftop that I have the most awesome support system possible, I am reminded that it is HE who gets me through. And although my pain was being used as an instrument to strengthen my faith, I find peace in knowing that the pain will only be within the limitations set by God himself. For on Monday morning, I woke up with zero pain.