Let go and Let God — pretty(sic)

It’s Friday morning at 3am, one day after treatment. I am sitting up in my bed .. wide awake and looking crazy. I don’t feel crazy though; instead, I feel like I could run a 10k. Those are the steroids that have kicked in. I have a craving for a bowl of cereal. And far be it for me to deny myself a craving, especially considering that taste will escape my palate for the next three days. I get up and walk to the kitchen and I am slightly disturbed by what I hear, or rather what I don’t here. There is complete silence. My village is resting. It’s an eery reminder that some parts of the battle must be walked alone. After a bowl of Special K, I return to my bed and grab my MacBook. It’s a perfect time to jot down the thoughts of yesterday.

I won’t belabor you with all of the medical procedures that occurred at Chemo Party #3. Same meds .. Same process. However, there was an enlightenment that occurred that I found quite interesting.

When Theo and I visited my Oncologist (Dr. Shahin) prior to Chemo treatment, we had a very interesting conversation. Just as he had done 2 weeks before, Dr. Shahin greeted me with pleasantries and told me that I continue to look well. He advised that my lab results are also good and asked me to confirm that I still had minimal side effects .. no nausea, and no additional pain beyond the two days after the Nuelasta injection. Check and check. He noticed that I still had a full head of hair on top. I told him that it was all a facade. Since the second treatment, my hair had begun to fall out. Not completely, but enough that I got Theo to shave my head really close on the sides and back. One morning after brushing my hair, I’d grabbed a mirror to ensure that I got the back right, and noticed two perfectly circle bald spots in the back of my head. The hair was completely gone. The sides had also begun to fade. I could no longer pretend that the hair that had fallen out in the bed, sink, floor (you pick a place) was a result of my not keeping up with my Sisterlocks appointments (google Sisterlocks if you are interested in the maintenance process). My hair cells had begun to die, and I was slowly moving into the next phase of my journey. Now, I’ll be perfectly honest. No matter how spiritually grounded I claim to be, losing my hair is hard to experience. In fact, my hair is as much a part of me as my skin color. I’ve learned many lessons in life .. even in my later career stage, that are directly applicable to the natural state of my hair. (That topic is for another blog..) So, I decided to get Sisterlocks because I was tired of finding hairstyles that fit into my lifestyle. Styles that would allow me to “get up and go” to support my exercise, travel, family, and general morning routines .. yet flexible enough for me to be creative. There are a lot of highs and lows with having Black hair in hot ass Houston. And I found my locs to be “the answer” for ME. Well if I thought I had “the answer”, He had the Holy grail .. because now there is no need to worry about my hair. Having NO HAIR is the most convenient that it would EVER be. You know what they say, right? He answers your call in His time and in His way.. So be careful what you ask for.

Besides, whenever I get a bit down, I have friends that I can rely on to pick me up.. Sending me texts like the one below to make it all better 😊

“With every hair shed you’re getting rid of killer cells in your body, rebuilding you for future health and strength. It’s traumatic I can imagine but the good news is you still fine as hell! 😉”

— TMK aka Marabellers aka T

First signs of hair loss

Where are those locs that were once here?

Falling out in multiples

Hiding bald spots under a cute headband

Moving on to the next step in the hair loss journey

After the hair discussion, I move on to something just as superficial, but important to me nonetheless. Weight gain!! Now I know you may be sitting here reading this thinking .. Is she freaking serious? Yes!! I am totally serious. I told you before, that I like data, and I need to know the real real. I didn't anticipate this as a potential side effect, so I am assuming that it’s all my doing. So I asked Dr. Shahin, and of course he told me that I was fine. My weight gain is normal. Since I was very active before chemo, that was a significant part of how I balanced my weight with diet. Now that I am taking chemo, I am not able to maintain that active lifestyle. In addition, the steroids that I receive support weight gain as well. It’s all temporary, like hair loss, and it will balance over time. Ok, I needed to hear him say it. The math adds up. And to be fair, Theo told me the same thing. But he doesn't have a single medical degree.. And I don’t think his PE stamp authorizes him to speak on it. lol … And y’all can forget about getting some photos of the weight gain journey; like we agreed, that’s superficial so let’s focus on what’s important here 🤣.

So, now for the good news .. Dr. Shahin had received the results from my initial tumor response appointment. I don’t think I mentioned it, but I had an ultrasound earlier this week to see how the tumor was responding to chemotherapy. The ultrasound and clinical response indicates a significant reduction in the size of the tumor from the onset. Fantastic news! But let me share something with you. I had already known this. I could attest to a smaller tumor and I’d shown my aunt, cousin, and grandmother, prior to my second treatment. Now some would say that I am an optimist, so I may have been just speaking this into existence. I can’t imagine where they would get that from. But it was good to hear it from my doctor as well. In addition, the results of my genetic testing were in. These results indicated that there was no negative genetic mutation found. In other words, this wasn't passed on to me, and I did not have a BC gene to be passed down to Sydney. Glory! Now, these results do not change my course of treatment, but it would be included in the surgery recommendations. More data to be used later.

Now for more news .. I didn't say bad news, because any news that helps me along my journey is not bad news, may not be good news … just “different” news. As I mentioned, I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer (Triple negative Breast cancer). This form of cancer is very common among young black women. There has not been much research done in this area. As a result, the only treatment that is proven to work for TNBC patients is chemotherapy. The national standard for treatment is two months of AC followed by 12 weeks of T (where other types of BC can be supplemented and/or replaced with hormone therapy to both kill the tumor and minimize the risk of reoccurrence). In addition, the most recent data shows that TNBC survivors who have been disease free (survivability) for 5 years have a a low probability of experiencing recurrence over the subsequent 10 years. Before I start my second cycle, I’ll need to decide whether I would like to participate in a clinical trial investigating the potential to improve disease free survival rates of TNBC patients. As a National Cancer Institute Stage III trial, if this is proven effective to treat TBNC patients, I would have benefited from already receiving this medicine. Let’s be clear, before you guys start sending me emails, this is not replacement for the standard recommended regime to treat TNBC. This would be in addition to the standard 12-week regimen. And the focus is on increasing survivability rate not treatment of my current diagnosis. Moreover, I would be a part of a large group of patients that are supporting the advancement of treatment and survival of TNBC .. something I so desperately wished had existed at the time of my diagnosis. I remember being so frustrated that there was almost no advancement in the treatment of TNBC over the last decade. Funny how things work huh, you can either complain about the problem or be apart of the solution. Now the downside of this additional treatment is that is adds a few more weeks to my second cycle. Decisions .. decisions - Near term impacts vs. Potential long-term benefits with a focus on risk reduction.

After our discussion, Dr. Shanin released me to the Infusion center for round 3. While a decision wasn’t required now, I was sure that a lot would be floating around in my head over the next four hours.

Instead of zoning in on the multiple thoughts that were swirling in my head, I spent my time at the Chemo club responding to various well wishes, laughing with my family, and engaging with the awesome staff (James is quite the joke teller, though he refused to dance and Ash had a birthday today!) Once I got home and had time to reflect on the the day, and I realized that I was at it again. While I had claimed to have given all of this over to God, I was still trying the EP (executive produce) the journey. It was evident in so many areas. First of all, I was attempting to plan (albeit only in my head) a reflection trip at the end of my journey. Now how crazy is this?!?! This trip would only be able to occur after completion of cycle 1 and 2 of chemo, whether radiation is required (By the way, I am not claiming this .. but only time will tell), the timeline required to physically and mentally prepare for surgery, the type of surgery that will be performed, and finally recuperation from surgery. Like a true engineer, I had added contingency to the schedule and had come up with a nominal period when I thought this trip might occur. I ran this past Dr. Shahin and of course he thinks I am crazy. lol. While he is happy that I am optimistic and looking a head, he basically told me to sit down somewhere. I’d also given him a date of when I thought I would be able to return to work. Double crazy! Let’s be clear .. I am really not in position to make this call! It’s clearly directly linked to the treatment required and the the actual impacts .. not what I believe will happen. He suggested that I first make a decision on the treatment in cycle 2 and actually experience the impact of this medicine. Thank God that I work for a company with a very flexible policy with its primary focus being on my health and recovery. I also have some very supportive friends and mentors at EM that have shared a “virtual side-eye” when I suggested when I would be returning to work. If you don’t know what a side eye is, here's a visual from “side-eye Chloe” below. She went viral for this side-eye in 2013.

So here’s the Jerry Springer moment (Hey Kara 😜)

I already told y’all that I was a bit of a control freak. Hey, the first step is admitting that you have a problem, right? Well, this isn’t a switch that can just be turned off! I am so used to being a researching, multi-tasking, spread-sheet making, super-parenting, trip planning, experience maker. So it’s no wonder that this “control freak-ish” personality trait in addition to the specialties listed above got me here. But why? I find that the reason that I am such a control freak is that I actually enjoy the “do” and it’s also a part of what keeps me sane. There is a sense of calm that I get from ensuring that I’ve perfectly crafted the best outcome. But there is a LOT of work that goes into this because I can only control what I can control.. And guess what, you can’t control other people, no matter how much you try! This character trait is not effective in all circumstances. For instance, as a leader at EM, my job is to ensure that things get done .. not necessarily get them done. Notice the difference. An effective leader adds value through her people. As a result, I have a responsibility to develop others to “get things done.” Now, I’m not perfect, but I’ve gotten a lot better at this over the years with a keen interest in people development. Unfortunately, this ability to delegate and develop doesn't translate so well to my personal life. I often take on things that I KNOW others would be willing to do, but let’s be honest .. they know how I am too. So, it’s better for all to just let me do it, right? 🤣

Newsflash: This does not work well when you decide to give something to God! Now, I’ve never claimed to be a preacher, but I do appreciate one who leaves you with 3 points. (Nique😜) Here are mine:

I do not know exactly what He wants me to get out of this journey. So, how on earth can I suggest how long it should take? Instead I will continue to pray for revelation and focus on “the now”.. what decisions do I need to make today? What have I learned thus far that I can use to help me during the rest of my journey? And defer those long term decisions for another time.
Sometimes we pray and say that we are “waiting on God” to heal us, ignoring all of the help that he is sending our way on the journey to being delivered. It reminds me of an analogy that my cousin Tay shared with me. You can be a person stuck on an island due to a shipwreck, praying to God to deliver you but scared to fly so you refuse the planes that have been sent to save you. In other words, trust that God and use the tools that are provided to you .. in addition to prayer. This tool just might happen to be a trial that is presented to potentially improve survival rates or it may be options that you have which enable you to focus on self care while minimizing distractions.
Trying to plan over His plan is a reflection of your faith. It’s really a way of showing how much you trust the plans that He has for you .. plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 🙌🏾

Ever heard of the expression “Wanna make God laugh, then tell Him your plans”! To live an anointed life, we must trust God to deliver us in accordance with His time table, not ours..