Wait, what did you just say?
“Hey Tova. I didn't think I would run into you here. I heard that you that you were diagnosed with breast cancer. I am so sorry to hear that. If it’s any consolation, I just wanted to tell you that you …
You don’t look like you have cancer
Excuse me one moment
.. while I figure out exactly what I am supposed to look like.
Yes, this happened to me. Someone looked me in my face and told me that I don’t look like I have cancer. In my head, I’m thinking .. Well, geez. I totally messed that up this morning because I was totally going for the “cancer look”. I mean, I even pulled out my cancer couture and everything. What a total failure I am? Guess, I need to try this thing all over tomorrow. Since, it’s important for everyone to clearly be able to tell that I have cancer. News flash! Cancer is not a look, and It’s not a state of being so I don’t need to look like what I am going through or better yet, what YOU think that I am going through.
In light of this disturbing (yet amusing) incident, I thought that I would share a few other weird things that people have said to me since my diagnosis.
At least you still have your hair
I am ok(ish) with the fact that I will lose my hair soon. Naturally, I may shed a few tears, but I have prepared myself for this part of my journey. The question that I have is HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS? This could be an internal struggle that I gripe with daily. And now you’ve brought it up, and I have to deal with it again, in this very moment. Gee, thanks for that buddy
Soooo, since I am one for solutions. Let me help you with an alternative to “At least you still have your hair.”
Oh, you’ve cut your hair, cool.
Ah, digging the new do
….. (i.e. Say nothing at all)
Chemo is so bad. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. You’re going to struggle with nausea. So be prepared for that.
Well, funny thing about that is … I don’t think anyone wished it on me, but I still have to go through it. But as you can see from the “Welcome to the Chemo party” post, my intention is to meet each session with positivity. That’s the only way I know to be. Unfortunately, everyone isn’t the same. Some people dread chemo, and a comment like this could send that person spiraling. Even if you have been through it yourself, your experience may not be relevant because everyone is different. This includes tolerance levels, spirituality, potential side-effects, mental capacity, etc. As for the side effects, I haven’t had to battle nausea much to date … and I thank God for that. I only pray that this continues. Now I am not suggesting that I nor anyone else that is undergoing chemotherapy is doing cartwheels, but it’s not really a choice in my case. Reminding me that it’s a horrible experience just isn’t helpful.
Here are some less lame ways to broach the subject:
How are you managing the side effects? (i.e. let me tell you how bad it is for me)
Do you struggle with nausea? I heard that it can be pretty awful ..
I’m praying that you don’t have any side effects ..
You see how I did that? Wayyyy cooler 😉
Did you catch it early? What stage is it?
Now, these words alone may not sound so bad, but it’s the potential answer that could be problematic. So, what if the response is “No, I didn’t catch it early, and the doctor says I have 12 months to live”… Now you’re sitting there looking crazy. What’s your next move? Because I can tell you right now that “Wow, that sucks” or “I’m sorry” isn’t gonna cut it bucko. We should be sensitive to the fact that this is as much a mental journey as it is a physical journey. And mentally, this person may still be struggling with their diagnosis.
So, here we go…
…. (just leave it alone, let this person share if s/he chooses to)
I hope that you make it out alright. My cousin had breast cancer, and she fought a tough fight and didn’t make it.
Seriously chic, I mean I am so sorry to hear about your cousin. But this just isn’t helpful.. like AT ALL. What do you want me to do with this information? I don’t know whether to offer you my condolences for your loss or … wait, are we still talking about me here? And this is not exactly the mood that fosters optimism and hope. Way to be a Debbie downer sis 👎🏾.
Let’s try this …
I’m praying for your victory.
Fight like hell
Unfortunately, that’s about all I could come up with. 🤷🏽♀️
And I get it .. these can be awkward conversations, but things can get weird really quickly if we’re not careful. Remember, the goal is to be sensitive and supportive. Be the candle light .. not the candle snuffer.
And one more thing, if you see me on a rough day, just pretend that I look normal. 😬 I promise not to hold it against you.
♥️
