The hardest day thus far ..

Today is the day that we agreed to tell Dahki and Sydney, and I am so anxious. I don’t want them to be afraid. I want them to be strong and courageous as He has designed them to be. I pray that God gives me the right words to calm their fears. As I walked 4 miles that morning, I looked up and saw Joy. He spoke to me, and I knew just what to say.

We decided to speak to Dahki first, because Sydney would feed off of his energy. In this instance, we needed to prepare him to be the Big Brother that he naturally is. Dahki is so mature. He always has been. We could talk to him as an adult, but it’s just something about hearing the words “cancer” that turns anyone into a vulnerable child. He hugged me and told me that we were going to fight together, and that I had this. I prayed with him that God would strengthen him and told Dahki to pray to God for himself to seek His understanding. It was important that he asks God what he is supposed to learn from this for himself.

Next it was time to talk to Sydney. We called her downstairs. Remember, when I was on my walk this morning, I prayed for the words to talk to Sydney, and He spoke to me. As I walked past a perfectly manicured garden, I was taken aback by a rose garden (in full bloom) surrounded by a bed of weeds. How could that happen? And then I realized that it wasn’t for me to understand. It was a gift for me to use. I used the analogy of a garden with weeds to explain the concept of good cells and bad cells. The flowers are the good cells. They know when to grow, when to multiply, when to die, etc. But the weeds occupy the same air and soil, yet they grow and grow and have no concept of when to die. In fact, they will take over the whole garden, if unattended. I’m sure you’ve caught on by now that the weeds are analogous to a tumor in this story. I asked her if she recalled how upset I get when Dad uses weed killer to take out the weeds? She said yes. I asked her if she remembered why. And she said “because it kills the flowers too.” Exactly! The weed killer is chemo. It kills the tumor, but it also kills the good cells, causing hair loss and impact to skin and nails (basically any other rapidly growing cells). But, as soon as the chemo is out of your system, the hair grows back, just like a perennial. She understood, but she wasn’t happy. So how could I help her through this? I reminded her that we are not victims. We are blessed. We are strong. And we will get through this. I asked her is she would like to help me prepare for this journey, and she said yes! I asked her and Dahki to cut some of my hair and asked Theo to shave my head after. Boy was she excited! She couldn’t wait! But that would have to wait until after we completed our first assignment: vision boards. These would be reminders of how we would hold ourselves accountable for staying strong and supporting each other through this journey.

Now that we’ve told them, I feel more equipped to go forward. I don’t know about your household, but we don’t have secrets around here. It felt like I was sneaking off to appointments, like I was doing something wrong … Talking in code, making up excuses. I’m so glad that’s behind us. Now, I know it’s not over, the road will be a hard one but we can get through anything with God on our side.