Feeling triggered..
So what does purple fingernail polish, a diligent nurse, a calendar reminder, a robe, and a booster vaccine have in common? I’ll try to explain …
I know. I know. It seems like it’s been a million years since I last posted. But honestly, there’s been a lot going on. Like … a whole lot! So let me catch you up with a few of the major items.
So the last time I checked in, I was still trying to figure out this work re-entry thing. I think I’ve finally got it but it took some intentionality. I’ve been back in the office for a little over one month and it seems like I’ve already been there a year. 😩 I, like most of you, am already so tired of zoom meetings. It was fun the first week … over it! I am eagerly awaiting the time when we will be able to reconnect in person. But in the meantime, I am waiving the white flag on zoom calls. Every meeting does NOT require a zoom call with video. Personally, I find it extremely exhausting holding neutral facial expressions for extended periods of time. Let’s normalize normal phone calls and emails again.
Ok, so moving on to something that’s way more superficial than hating zoom. 😆 Remember that time I was going on and on about the state of my nails. Well, recently, I had my FINAL dermatology appointment. Yes, you heard that right! I have been released. And my nails have officially recovered. Check me out!
After being released from care, I couldn’t wait to get a mani/pedi! But waiting is exactly what I had to do. Because this week, my calendar was bananas! In addition to work, I had a medical appointment every day that week. But all medical appointments aren’t created equal. I was looking forward to one of them much more than the rest. It was time to see Dr. Shuck about phase 2 of my reconstruction surgery. If you remember, Dr. Shuck and I agreed that I would return for a consultation after I got close to my “desired” weight. 🙄. So I’ve been at it, and am proud to say that I’m officially down 31 pounds 🎉🎉.
That excitement was short lived once I remembered that I’d need to travel an hour for my appointment. I should mention that Dr. Shuck is now with MDAnderson .. the medical facility I decided against after soliciting their expert advice for a second opinion. Needless to say, I wasn’t happy about traveling all the way downtown but I’d decided against transferring my care to another plastic surgeon. That was a hard NO! Especially after these results. Check out the before and after photos of my incision. (FYI - Bicorneum is the truth for scar therapy. You can find it on Amazon. Abs not included 😏)
Well, let’s just say that I do NOT love Texas Medical Center where MD Anderson is located. It’s a sea of hospitals and medical facilities. It’s confusing. Parking sucks. And it’s not Houston Methodist. There, I’ve said it. I appreciate the normalcy of the craziness that I’ve experienced over the last year. I’m used to traveling 15 minutes to get to my doctor with no concern for parking. Not the madness that I experienced last week. It literally took me an hour to drive there and an extra 20 minutes to figure out where I was going and to find parking. Needless to say, I was not happy.
When I finally found the Mays Clinic, again I felt like I was lost. The waiting room was filled with lots of women .. none of whom looked like me. Had I arrived at the wrong place? Suddenly I remembered that this was the norm. Black and brown women are the absolute minority at prestigious medical institutions like MD Anderson.
As I changed into the familiar robe stamped with the MD Anderson logo, I caught a glimpse of my breast in the mirror. They’d decreased in size a bit due to the weight loss, but I was still happy with the results. I took a seat and waited patiently for Dr. Shuck to arrive and began to document my thoughts in the blog entry that you are reading right now. That’s when a reminder for next week’s breast surgery follow up flashed across my screen .. just a few seconds before Dr. Shuck’s nurse entered my room. She was nice enough, even if she wasn’t one of the nurses I’d become accustomed to at HM. As she began to ask me questions that are generally asked of someone who is being seen at a Cancer treatment facility … questions like “how are you feeling?” “Any sickness” “any falls?” “Feeling fatigued?”.. I became more and more annoyed as I thought to myself .. why the hell is she asking me these questions. Did I say I was feeling bad? I’m fine!
And just then, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d spent the last two months so enamored with life that the experience of cancer had slipped from the forefront of my mind. And then suddenly, with just a few follow up appointments and a nurse asking typical questions that would be asked of a person who had once experienced cancer, it had all come back to me. I had cancer! At that moment, I had another realization … the moment I once longed for had finally occurred. I had begun to live life cancer free, both clinically and mentally.
The door opened as I dwelled on this thought, and Dr. Shuck, appeared. I hadn’t seen him since December 2019. His assistant must have felt like she was infringing on a couple of old friends who’d caught up after a long time. Ten minutes later, he said the words that again took me back to another life time where I’d frequent the hospital for expansion prior to my initial reconstruction surgery. “Ok, let’s see. Remove your robe.”
As he looked over his work, he commented that my breasts had generally maintained the shape after significant weight loss. Next, it was time to be completely vulnerable as he looked over my body for the fattiest places he could extract fat from to complete phase 2 of reconstructive surgery. Just imagine.. I was standing there almost completely unclothed while he made fat circles on my body. 😩 31 pounds down, and God always has a way to humble you. 🙃
Once he was done drawing circles on my fatty pockets, I pulled out both of my phones to confirm availability for the second phase of my reconstruction. Moments later I received a notification from MD Anderson. In 6 weeks, I’d return for the next step.
The following day, I headed to Houston Memorial for my booster vaccine. I’d heard plenty of stories about potential side effects of the Pfizer vaccine, but I was optimistic that I’d be in the group with minor (if any) side effects.
Well, I managed to make it through the full work day after receiving my shot that morning. By that evening, I had a fever, some body pain, and was knocked out by 7pm. The next morning, I awoke and felt like I’d been hit by a bus. I was exhausted. The face that stared back at me in the mirror wasn’t a familiar one. She had dark bags under her eyes and wore a sullen expression. Suddenly, she reminded me of someone I’d known from what seemed like a lifetime ago. The one who’d stare back at me days after a chemo infusion.
As I made my way back to my bed, I had an epiphany. I’ll never truly be able to put my journey behind me. It is a part of me like any other experience. I could go days, weeks, prayerfully months before having a significant flashback. But there could also be a number of things that might trigger a memory in the meantime. Finger nail polish might remind me of the times when my nails were black and brittle. A short bout of illness might remind me of the chemo hills I’ve climbed. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m blessed to live such an abundant life that (outside of advocacy), I’m only truly reminded after receiving that calendar notification reminding me of my next surveillance appointment.
I remind myself that I have a choice. I can leverage every opportunity to remind myself of what I’ve experienced OR I can live life abundantly .. grateful for how far I’ve come.
My friends, I choose the latter.
“Moving on doesn’t mean you forget about what you’ve gone through. It just means you’ve accepted that it happened, learned the lesson, and decided not to let it hold you back from living life abundantly. ”
❤️T
